So good and a timely arrival. Its progress I guess. And that is a very toxic environment. It is so arrogant. But I did do lots of stuff right too. Its a game of survival. Im in a crisis mode with my personal life and marriage. And I am especially sorry that what I may have said contributed to her insensitive and petty post. For the narcissist, there are no genuine relationships. I had not experienced until the A began what people describe as walking on eggshells. She said yes she does. All she had to do was make it to mid-November, and then her fate would be sealed. As Ive said above, I do not believe him. Talk about manipulated! Im really sorry that youre suffering from his selfishness. It was a bit of the worm turning moment for me but I needed confirmation. Throwing a 49th is very cool. I think she knows how bad this could all end up for him and probably her too. He moved home and a week later I found his burner phone. Thank God I had my own credit cards that gave me over 70k of cash. And as I have stated he has deep regret and remorse for his behavior and things he said and chouces he made. Im sorry for your loss. Its important to stay focused. SI- I wish that I would have found this site right after D-day. If the target is tricked into believing the FALSE narrative that this person is a vulnerable victim they are left suspecting that the manipulations, insults, transgressions and abuses they experienced CANT be real right? Those whom I have actually been communicating with have been incredible. Hope you are well and feel better soon. Thats sad for him. As in whether he was going to stay M or leave me. And if he does go to IC he will use it (possibly) to explain all the reasons why he wants out. I cant be nice, it drives him away. Which was the polar opposite of his attitude the day before. He may be angry at you b/c you are standing in the way of his true love. When he realised it wasnt so, he agreed to part ways cordially. Occupational psychological counsellor Dr Pradnya Jayant Ajinkya strongly recommends pre-marriage counselling. His mother grew up to be a terrible mother who spoiled her daughters and who spit on the shoes of her sons and told them they were worthless. And she has selective memory now too. At this time, everyone becomes superstitious. But every point you made is very valid. I think it is hurtful and so excruciatingly painful to hear your mate no longer lives you or wants to be with you. Worked on things I did not like. It felt manipulative and not genuine. For me: Anxiety / depression / codependency i.e. What is interesting is just the other day an idea hit me like a ton of bricks that marriages work best if a woman in extremely assertive. Right now since you are in a business relationship with your h that takes precedence above all else. The NC thing is tough as my imagination runs riot at the best of times and somehow NC triggers me and reinforces all my feelings of rejection / abandonment. But remorse first and then we rebuild from there, but I have seen nothing from you. If you suggest something shot down. He couldnt understand that I didnt trust him to take care of me financially. It is just not real their relationship is built on fluff and fantasy. Then when you get back in a few days maybe reach out to him. He knew I meant business at DDay2. Sounds like he doesnt want to be an adult any longer. And he said it had been going in for 18 months prior. But that might be a bit too Eat, Pray Love LOL Hey, wasnt Elizabeth Gilbert a cheater? They are all in disbelief that my H has done this and in the way he has too. I understand you straightened him out with regards to your husbands cheating but being a family friend are you certain he is out for YOUR best interests? Its nice. That is something you need to be prepared for. I dont want sex if she doesnt want to. I brought up R all the time with my wife and the questions of what can I do or what can we do to get back to us. BS only get to hear about it when they talk to others in the same boat. Make them pay. In fact, a suicide would have at least brought some kind of closure in the sense that all of the children would know where their mother was and still have an untarnished image of their mother. Computers, pictures, printers, desks. She doesnt want to. And they may forget this, but believe me if you make them treat you with respect, they will start to regain their own self-respect. One day it took me 3 hours to change the sheets on my bed I cried so much from the pain of it all. Please continue to take care of yourself. I warned him I was worried it was getting too high (consumption of alcohol.) I got him to acknowledge something that was really important related to the finances that he had been clearly acting very defensive about and lying, and in doing so, he acknowledged power I hold over him. Thank you TheFirstWife! No BS should have to hear that crap. Meanwhile, I just came back from a long meeting with my H. It was calm and actually productive with lots of talk about the future asked what do you want etc. And most never get help, so the M can rarely be saved. Betrayed Spouses often look back at D-day and think of all the things they did wrong and how they could have handled it differently but they are in SHOCK for heaven sake. I think let it be for a while. The brain is a complex organ that is not well understood yet. Thanks for being there and your feedback for my posts is always appreciated. Are you kidding me? This page was last edited on 11 December 2022, at 00:04. What do you say to yourself to give yourself permission to disregard them? If H came back under those circumstances, I almost feel like I could trust him even less. Im not going to blame the fact that my doctors told my sister to give me a couple of ambien and I dont remember how many xanax and then they left me alone. And sometimes just dont answer him when he calls or texts. I do not understand Hs current motivations but TryingHard & TheFirstWife assure me he is textbook CS. Its a tactic absolving him of any agency plus it obscures the inconvenient truth that H left our home by his own free will / choice. Well, I said no more. Not a text but a phone call. Me: Silence. with the clear intention by BSA to derail a very fluid ongoing convo between those of us who were posting. This is exactly how my R started. God works in the most mysterious of ways and God knew music is very healing for me. I hope its the right one for you. Im like: the whole point of being married is so you DONT HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE!!!. ENOUGH!!! I am so sorry for you. In 2012 Psychology Today wrote an article about cold feet that cited Wilbanks as an example. To me it would be unforgivable unless he has some serious mental incapacity and a mid life crisis is not serious in my opinion. Its mystifying. They are banding together to sanitise this whole thing to make my H the victim and throwing me under the bus. The point that I hope you understand: we have all suffered through this crap called an affair. Indeed no it is not you or your strength or weakness or anything else about you. The storming off when things dont go the cheaters way. Lol there I was in my pajamas with a coat over it. According to Doug there are plenty of people who come to this site who never comment. My father bless him even called my H personally and got one of his own contacts, one of the best psychologists in the country, arranged to see him but H refused to make the appointment. Id be damned. I fear he will only make you feel worse (as if you dont feel like you are in a black hole right now). CS) are dangerous. I planned on suing the OW as well for Alienation of Affection. Case in point hes with you and says YES to MC but 24 hours later he changed his mind. I have been in your shoes. Even the language he uses is not what he would use and H sounds like he is being scripted. Then offer a lesser amount than what is owed (in full over x years) RIGHT NOW. If there were ever a reason to grieve it has got to be the loss of love. This can be a lot more convoluted and trickier for you. SI gave good info. Still a child. Lol. Once I took control of me and future it was a whole different ball game and he was facing strike 3. I need help. Because guess what, they are reconciling and now I have to do cleanup on our relationships and Im too damn old for this crap!! Stay tuned. Unlike you Puzzled, my H has no EQ. Good. And yes, you are so right: all the real human angels are here on this site. I am not sure how you reconcile your initial complaint with how you have treated me in your post here. The words just jump out at me. And so on. I asked if he was in love with her and he said YES I think so. I even mentioned a few and he said he doesnt believe (post A) they really would. Did not soften him one bit. People need to know where we stand and what we will tolerate. Which of the 12 Relationship Patterns Best Describes Yours? It left a permanent scar on me. My prayers include all who suffer. She threw him out. LOL I loved TryingHards additions to ShiftingImps list. The dopamine pathways fire up from the high of the illicit affair as chemicals such as drugs or alcohol. lol I even called her and said come and get him hes all yours. Im sure you are exactly right that the problem for me is that my being right (in any way shape or form) is not helping me. But it was a light touch email. And NO none of you know the REAL me. I did write one email when some ass of a friend mentioned hed heardsome juicy gossip re: me. ? I said watering my new garden. Im going to call my brother today and lay that down the line! Human nature is human nature and there is nothing new under the sun as they say. I filed for divorce under adultery. And I was still on that roller coaster ride. He speaks to my heart. If not maybe you need to contact his family and friends to find out what is going on. 2015 was a wreck. Let's take a closer look at this: If a woman really loves, all doubts about her beloved should not worry her. Never. Omg the nightmares. She also started running to get in better shape (she has always hated running). And yes hes tasted freedom and my guess is he doesnt like it much. And this is what she did for the 4th time! You are handling this quite well given you are battling on all fronts / business, M and finances. I too gave up hope but 4 years later we are still R and Happy. Im long over the affair. Finally he had to leave for a meeting and I rang him that night and downloaded another earful on him. He may be looking at it from a position of my parents and wife cannot be in the same room. It breaks me he is not the person he used to be, or is, either way I am afraid that the cumulative damage to me and the M is now beyond repair. You are so right regarding the whole Responsibility and Personal Accountability vs Secrecy and Lies in society. Satori And thats when things started to change. Why don't these women simply say "no" when the marriage is proposed? He acted completely out of character all of a sudden. Hs moods are like the weather. The spark and love are back. When my mother passed away very suddenly five months after d-day, the grief of my husbands betrayal and my mothers death became one big mix.I didnt know if I was coming or going. Regardless, YOU GOT THIS. His current thesis is that Ill be fine because my family will take care of me. He spent three hours with you. Thats the biggest thing to keep control of going forward. My husband broke my heart but rest assured he did NOT break my spine. Keep the tele off and play soothing music. . But, once married, Gianfranco was often away on business, and his family made Kelly's life a misery. No, he said, we have to talk. Your marriage, as you knew it, is over. Good with the bad. Seriously WTF? He is playing pity games but I am NOT buying it. But he was not dragged into R. It was his idea. It isnt surprising that hes acting mean and resentful. And no business can risk having an uninterested party involved for a year. I have been an amazing wife. He must police himself. Let me know. Oh, lest I forget, this was her response when I would ask her to put THAT blessed iPad down, along with Facebook (which I hate) because I have something I want to talk with her about. But the OW explains the personality change too. = a perfect storm. Yes I did indeed boot/block one person and only one person- ever from this site a few years ago. Just know that we know the struggle you are in and that is it a daily battle to maintain yourself. Having lost someone very dear to me in the past, I have felt a kind of loyalty to grief in the sense that I felt that if I stopped my grief I would be disloyal to the person I was grieving. At first I was begging and pleading at least for a conversation as to what the hell just happened here. Life is good, the glass is half full, we have so many blessings. I guess Im lucky. He didn't take kindly to this, and was on my tail, eventually learning that I . The bride or groom has no idea that they need to run headlong from under the aisle. Basically it comes down to this: if you want to save your marriage, then do everything in your power to fight for it! TheFirstWife. So he faced it and owned up to it and admitted his mistakes. Hed have had that pillow strapped to his face. I hope this helps and I continue to send good thoughts your way. We were planning our own future together and wedding. Or have an A to bury the pain or mask it rather than face it. PuzzledBoy you really gave me something to think about. So I left things very neutral with MIL. She used to bust my eardrums screaming at me. Ive been too stressed to even take the Valium or sleeping tablets I have been prescribed as I dont even trust myself to have the bottles nearby. I was actually wondering about you. Divorces take time and theres notice after notice and discovery papers and court dates that are made. You have been managing this well. Actually HES the one that needs meds!!! Any sort of character or integrity has disintegrated by the blinding infatuation of their affair. I still am I think. Picture (very) cold feet stuck out of a snowball. Then you move on to another relationship. Its all a smokescreen to hide their betrayal. I feel scarred. Satori I pray I can be strong for him and help teach him to forgive his mom. I will never excuse her actions towards me. On to the next leg, Ill tune in again when I next get to civilisation. You can obviously see Im still feeling responsible for both our happiness. She held control and power over you. All I can do is be true to my feelings now while self protecting at the same time. They werent there but I knew I had to get out which thank god I did and shut the door behind me. Now he wants a D. So I fall apart and agree yet again. I just cant even. It answers the I dont know what to do problem perfectly. PTSD Among Ukrainian Civilians in the Russia-Ukraine War, Wolves With a Parasite Become More Daring, Study Shows, Teaching Teens to Help Prevent Child Sexual Abuse, Sensory Issues Often Have Overlooked Consequences, Teen Mothers: When Stigma Trumps Compassion (and Research), Why Marital Satisfaction Is Closely Linked to Womens Sexual Desire. Its battling windmills to they to equate it to any other reasons. A quick hello from the wilderness while I have wifi. Ive certainly been through the anger although Im not actively acrimonious towards my H, we still communicate about things for work, but I think 4 months out it is still too soon for me. I dont talk to any friends about this Hedbeen at work for most that day as he did most Saturdays for most our life. Those are my terms. All the things you suggest are very true and helpful, but I guess some have to be in the time frame for the individual. Then he said, we are never getting married.. But yeah, not so much. And really did you honestly expect anything different from them? Runaway bride before the . So far H hasnt committed to meeting up (I will let you know how Im tracking). Ok you are doing great!! Some guys buy a sports car or develop a new hobby or seek extreme sports or become a writer. As it is I suspect between fathers and daughters. I got to such a dark place. In a way I am glad that he is checking every box as you listed. I want to comment on the choosing better next time thread. TheFirstWife: wow, from what you write our situations seem very similar. And then race to 1000 beats a second. Many people have been wrongfully lynched or imprisoned in America for callous white women making up stories, and even if no such phantom patsy Hispanic was strung up on charges for Ms. Runaway Bride, it certainly would support the stereotype that is harmful to many other similarly situated Latinos. Thank you for sharing that. Last year my DIL called about my second son and what she found out. What are your plans? Even including the on the couch, beer and phone, no engagement. I love her dearly for it and feel a very strong connection with her. ), sell assets and well, pay him out. But its the closest to my old H I have had in this whole time. So sorry! He begged and begged. As others have stated, so sorry you are going through this. Sucks though. I offered every kind of support you can imagine. He deleted her number again. A side I never would have thought possible now existed within him and came out at gale force 5. She tried to convince me she never loved her last husband but her Facebook page is full of reminders of their love. Im not even feeling like a second choice. +1000 everything you say TFW. What we do know is that my great-grandmother grew up to be a very bitter woman who hated men. You are fooling yourself if you think that. Like, super quiet. He can go do his sport and never even needs to let me when he will be back. Ok I admit it sometimes I was very strident about it. So yes.they are just in a totally different state of mind. My real home, which I had purchased with my investment funds, was being occupied by the enemies: the other woman and my ex. Thanks for your good wishes. But, again, in an effort to keep the peace, I would just let it go. The flip flopping tells me he might change his mind again in the future, so no. I am grateful for the support I have received here. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. And yes, people caught in the web of infidelity dont play fair. I can only imagine their discomfort holy fuck Im stuck on a 3 hour flight with a woman crying next to me! Like, if you were starting again, at the beginning when you met them, what would the signs be? Its a spiral after that. May I please ask how you identified that it was a MLC affair? Hes trying to help but his analysis is simply incorrect. Does he want to fix this or throw out cliches?? Keep breathing and focus on you. You must have done a lot of running to get through it. In our circle of friends and our little town, we were probably that couple. It even made me laugh as I pictured that mountain of clothes being watered. I myself do not use curse words (typically) but do not condemn people who do. TryingHard, I think you are so right, underneath it all is fear. I worked out the reason H pretended to move to distant area was that its a way of having the pity party and woe is me, Im being more impacted than you are in all this. I cant blindly trust you no one would! Satori I think Ive been in so much shock I have literally been unable to get past the v in that statement. I guess I focus more on the message. Hes going to be fine. Personally, ones FOO issues is for THEM to figure out not the spouse. whatever. I think you must be stronger than me. Does that make sense? But the memories of the things she said and how she treated me are hard to forget. But something in me snapped. I poured much of my rage and tears into the creative part of my life. It would help if I felt my H was truly remorseful rather than blaming me for the mess he created. They thought I went to sleep. OK I will go to counseling to facilitate a divorce (not actually said but implied motive). All I got was nastiness from him. Ive kind of sat on the sideline waiting to post. Revenge. Puzzled and TH This site is the best life line everyou can just spill it all outand someone will be there for you.no matter what time of day or night. I have to warn you as well, I think it is worse when a woman has an affair. I sure hope Satori hasnt been run off from EAJ because of one commenters petty complaint. The first reason has to do with a general tendency in the bride that does not merely relate to the wedding; the second reason refers to the bride's fear of being in a committed relationship; and the third refers to the bride's perception of or feelings for the groom himself. 2. His game wasnt working. Forgiveness is the only way to peace. His lawyer also warned him about my bulldog lawyer and that divorce was not going to be fast or cheap. I have NO need to be validated by you or anyone else. I made her life miserable there. Smart girl. Hmmm. Its hard to feel joy and I used to have a lot. But I do know its very much crunch time. But it turns out that the instinct of a "warm nest" does not always work when paradise is with a sweetheart and in a hut. But slowly slowly get out of your house. But not your Wife (for whatever reason). Lesson learned? Please help me. Move on! Cheaters are entitled, character disordered people. Did you both keep your jobs? The groom's parents lost about $50,000, which they had paid in advance for the wedding. Trust in Me, I will save you. The betrayed spouse cannot even comprehend what happened. NOTHING. I dont get the ghosting thing. Speaking of the coalface: my H is seeing a lawyer. I was furious with him. My wife still wonders why I cant just seem to let it go and put it in the past. Satori. I wanted that shit to just go away. This definition of covert narcissism sounds a lot like the affair fog, doesnt it? Yes I am very familiar with that gut punched feeling. Yes in the end hes my son and I love him. Im so grateful to be in contact with a few like minded souls on here. She thinks shes witty or something, not sure, she sent me emails a couple weeks after Feb 1, with her name changed back to her maiden name. So we all stood and laughed until I got tired of watering my clothes and shoe garden. Nice wife was gone in that moment. STOP PLAYING HER GAME! I agree. [1] Her disappearance from Duluth, Georgia, sparked a nationwide search and intensive media coverage, including media speculation that Mason had killed her. Its no fault divorce here. But its been a long time now since that. If OW is still in the picture then he is clearly thinking of his financial consequences mostly. Lots more. The rest of the story was told by him, my grandfather. Do not hide it from friends, family, and other support networks because you will need emotional support. Though Donna did later return for a full . It was hard for me to recount that stuff. I think it takes sheer determination and strength of character to get through your spouses affair. The roller coaster continues. The grieving process is hard and difficult. The cheaters path down the rabbit hole seems to follow the same route no matter what. And this will also be a hint to whom the soul lies. Keep pushing through. I understand how hard this is. And it is a but: I called him about a half hour later and he told me he called an employee friend to come to the office to secure the building. Your vivid description of my Hs mindset is reassuring. Affairs happen by choice not by chance. No drama Whereas if he can deflect it all onto why Im such a terrible person then he can justify the A and avoid the Cheater label and thus the harsher judgment of those whose opinion really matters: Mommy and Daddy. Her behavior also started when our oldest went off to college. Hes talking. Sis emailed it to my H and sent a whole bunch from our fun times together with the four of us. Know this.you are in no way responsible for your husbands choices. Ever. But now I have my own activities and social life separate from him. . The runaway bride case concerns Jennifer Carol Wilbanks (born February 28, 1973), an American woman who ran away from home on April 26, 2005, to avoid her wedding with John Mason, her fianc, on April 30. The hammer comes down tomorrow. And then there is the prize line that literally deserves them having their faces torn off, are you ready, I DIDNT MEAN TO HURT YOU. Found a bag of mulch and mingled that on them too. In fact, the only thing that I felt truly helped me was boxing. This of course raises other thorny issues like future income for myself. This is the fear of the CS: exposure for their behavior and the truth that they are to blame. Insert Evil Laugh here. Its in the same category as Organic Fruit / SuperFoods vs McDonalds!! Good for you for letting him know he cannot control you or the situation. Being in business together just makes everything much more complicated. LOL I call bullshit on MLCs. I found info on MLCs on line. a fear of commitment by dealers/distributors." That is, fertilizer buyers may now be shying away from making the big crop-nutrient purchases they had earlier . But take solace: there are others with you in these trenches. On another post ages ago, TryingHard said no one wants to be anyones second choice. Make a damn decision and I thought he was done seeing the OW. On the flip side though, in the aftermath of the A, I referred to this as sleeping with the enemy. You know, trying to be all calm and not play into the narrative of abusive controlling and cray cray wife that Im pretty sure he is spinning since neither of my parents in law have contacted me. Sitting in my lounge chair on a sunny day helped too.
